Excerpt from my journal : Dubai International Airport: 10th November 2008 @ 7h00am
“I sit here at the airport waiting to board my flight to India and acknowledge that my heart is broken and my soul tired. For the first time in my life I feel defeated, depleted, rundown, no faith, no light, no hope while sitting and thinking of how within a split second of receiving a phone call, my life has changed yet again. I had planned to go to India for a year with my soul sister Jameen, it was my adventure and my time out. Resigning from my job after 8 years, I was excited, had such inner peace about my decisions and journey, felt blessed and so happy, I was embarking on a journey of my life (to volunteer at a human rights organization in New Delhi) and yet today I am deeply sad and very scared of the months to come. I think deeply of my dear brother and the reality that I had to say goodbye to him a month ago feels surreal. All I wanted for him, for us was to be happy, too embrace our life and just live, to live and experience so much more as siblings and now I do not have that anymore. Is it a good decision that my Mum and Vanessa convinced me to still go to India as they believed it would be good for me and that Aldrin would have wanted me to go? They are coming to meet me there in December which made me feel more at ease to still head to India. Grief is so unpredictable, it consumes us in so many ways that no one can begin to feel or describe it unless you are also sitting in it, so my journey in India begins with me in this space…and I have no clue as I sit at this airport how my life is going to unfold.”

I have been grappling with writing this piece for more than 8 years and I have thought many times about why this is so? It has been the most difficult for me to write about mostly as feelings of guilt consume me. Why has guilt prevented me from healing, when it comes to the loss of my dear brother, my only sibling. Parts of me also didn’t want to write about this as for the longest time I believed that writing about this may dishonour him in some way. But I have come to realize that he would want me to heal and that writing about this honours my own growth and our love as siblings.
My brother had a unique soul and spirit. Anyone and everyone who crossed his path and shared a different relationship with him will vouch for his love, humor, generosity, compassion and the fun they had with Aldrin in more ways than one and in different states of mind😊.

I felt guilt growing up which led me to believe I needed to feel guilty so I owned it, fed it and cherished this emotion for a long time. It is interesting how we give birth to these emotions in our childhood and throughout our lives based on various experiences we go through, it shapes us, our internal belief systems (some of which are not true) and how we show up in the world.

I felt guilt growing up as Aldrin had a tough time with my dad and I did not. Guilt because he was a naughty boy which resulted in him on missing out on many opportunities as he grew up and I was the good child that did everything our parents expected of me. I had amazing opportunities that my brother did not have the chance to experience. Guilt because he had cancer and had to suffer emotionally and physically. Guilt because his life was challenging in so many ways from the time he was a teenager.

Three months after my dad had passed on I had to watch my brother fight for his life going through a bone marrow transplant and even though he was smiling and so positive, there was I riddled with guilt of watching him go through this. That month off going back and forth to hospital felt like it went on forever and through fear, love, pain, grief, we all survived this experience and he was amazing. What my brother taught me was that if your mind and spirit is strong then you can overcome any challenge which he clearly did. He embraced his new lease of life the best way he knew how and I was so proud of him. I on the other hand at the time felt I was just surviving, my head was above the water and I was breathing. I was dealing with the death of my dad and with no time to process this, dived straight into my brother’s journey with his transplant. I was angry, sad, scared, guilty and through all these emotions I was still strong and brave and courageous. Four years later my brother meets an accident and his brain is seriously injured which leaves him in a coma and the nine days in hospital was trauma all dressed up in its best suit. Watching my brother lay there completely not in control of his mind, his mind was his source of power that kept him going through his cancer journey and now he did not have that anymore. I had no faith at this point. Our hopes and dreams were all disappearing and there was nothing I could do. Once again, I was drowning with guilt. He was dying and I was alive.

Through the years I have consistently worked on my own healing and have dealt with anger, sadness, my fears, but I could never get myself to really accept and process the impact that guilt has had on my life.

The dictionary definition of guilt is “the fact of having committed a specified offense or crime “. Some synonyms are wrongdoing and blameworthiness. I did not commit any crime, I was not responsible for how Aldrin’s life unfolded versus mine. How could I blame myself for how hard my dad was on him or that he was the naughty boy or that he got cancer? I did not cause any of this and yet I have held onto guilt for most of my life whilst dealing with the challenges life through my way. I have had to learn to let go of the WHY and embrace my life the best I could in the hardest of times.

When a sibling dies you lose the past and the future. It becomes hard when you are living, having fun, experiencing life, then suddenly you realize that your sibling has never experienced this and never will. These are times I also feel guilty for having lived. It is some form of survivor guilt. When I see others with their loved ones, it opens my own wounds and sadness however I have learnt and am still learning that it is ok to feel this way. Going forward I will enjoy and honour my life and my experiences and as much as I miss Aldrin and the rest of my family I will not feel guilty for living and having these experiences. Guilt has prevented me from acknowledging the strong courageous person I am, it has prevented me from accepting my life with my sibling and our journey together. It has also prevented me from being able to remember the good memories with my brother and being grateful for the love we share.
So, if you have guilt about anything in your life, acknowledge it, accept it and process it but don’t let it live inside of you as it clearly

prevents you from moving forward and honoring your life.
Goodbye guilt.