It’s been a decade since u left, a decade filled with a rollercoaster ride of so many experiences filled with pain growth fun laughter tears fun courage resilience strength fear anxiety change happiness love new beginnings and so much more.

I know at times I have been quite with you over these last 10 years as I didn’t know what to say as I was filled with so many different emotions by you leaving . I didn’t know how to understand life without you , I didn’t know how to live my life without you in it physically. I may never understand the journey I chose on this earth in terms of going through the loss I have endured with losing you and dad and aldrin and the way in which each of these experiences happened but I do know how they have shaped me and moulded me into the person I have become . I still deal with the emotions that this brings up for me in the best way I can.

I have learnt mum that life is not easy but it’s all about the choices I have made in the last 10 years and still make that continue to shape me mould me keep me connected to spirit and life . Some of the choices led me into painful experiences but out of them came beautiful beginnings.

Always know that my heart aches for you and in that aching I am so blessed with having you as my mum and grateful for how you have loved me. You are not missed by just me but have left imprints of love in so many hearts . When I hear how you deeply you have impacted others it makes me so proud that I got to have you as my mum.

With how our lives unfolded as a family I didn’t know much about myself. All I knew is that I wanted to make everyone around me that I loved happy and safe and in that I realised I was in a battlefield with myself for most of my life . I learnt living in survivor mode is not healthy for your mind body and spirit . I learnt in the last 10 years to speak up for me , to draw healthy boundaries with friends and family , that I am not a rescuer to all those I love and that they have to go through their own journeys( this is a hard one for me which I am still learning to some extent) I learnt how not to please others and forget about myself in the process . I learnt that I am enough and deserve to be loved and happy and successful in the way I define it for me. I didn’t do this on my own as I learnt how to ask for help and support from my friends and family and that’s besides the thousands of therapy and healing sessions I went for.

Love found me in the most easiest way mum . Someone who I believe that you have been instrumental in bringing us together.I had to pack and leave South Africa to go and learn about what self love meant for me and how I wanted to be loved and then I was ready to attract the love I totally deserve. I am happily loved and cherished mum. I feel safe, protected , happy and most of the time it feels so effortless. I can be me fully just me and that is so liberating when I don’t have to be someone I am not just to be loved.I know that you are happy with my Mr. I have found my love light and he has turned my world around.

If you ever wonder what makes me sad sometimes , would be me not having my own child mum and having that experience in this lifetime . You know how much I have always been drawn to kids since I was a kid. But if I have come close to having my own it would be experiencing how I feel about Ela and how her love makes me feel.She came into this world at my darkest time and healed my broken heart by just being here . In some weird way she makes me feel connected to all of you who i have lost. Her touch the way she loves me the way I feel when I am with her I cannot explain this in words and this does not need to make sense to anyone . I make peace even though it’s hard that this experience was not meant for me or Aldrin in this lifetime but I would be lying if I don’t say this makes me sad and grieving for this will be part of my journey.

Being grateful has anchored me in so many ways . Making it a practice to be grateful admist how I was feeling or what I was experiencing in these last 10 years . I am grateful for you, dad and aldrin for your love , values you taught me and all the experiences good and challenging that have shaped me. I am grateful for all my family and friends who have been in my corner supporting and loving me and making me grow and for all the colours they have added to my life .

I am grateful for the abundance in my life that allows me to live the life I choose . I am grateful for my husbands love and commitment. I am grateful that i get to travel and see the world . I am grateful for my health. I am grateful for gods love and for protecting me and keeping me connected to my journey.

I turn 50 this year mum half a century can you believe it. I am reflecting on what’s important for me now. What more can I do to make my heart happy and fulfilled ? What more I can do to impact others and make a difference? What kind of life I want to live in this next chapter of mine ? Love you mum. I will always carry your heart in my heart ♥️