12 years today I said goodbye to my dad. I remember after his funeral driving back to our family home and watching everyone outside the car and thinking life still goes on when mine has just changed . Losing a parent is never easy no matter what kind of relationship you have had with them; it is a part of you that leaves. I remember when my dad died I felt that someone took something away from me without asking and the core of my belly felt like a deep well with no ending.

 

I wish my dad can see me now, the woman I have grown into, I know he is proud wherever he is but as I reflect on my growth and lessons and challenges in the last 12 years, I admit that I have learnt to understand and appreciate him authentically in my own way and in my own time.

My dad was a strong spirited man dedicated to helping and supporting to make South Africa a country where everyone is treated equally even if it went against his own principles at times . He strived for fairness and justice consistently. He was an intelligent and bold man, an avid reader and loved reciting poetry. I was struck in awe by his ability to quote great authors and leaders from Shakespeare to Winston Churchill to Steve Biko to Martin Luther King and our dear Madiba. My dad had the most interesting stories about his childhood, his life as an activist and teacher and for those that knew him , he always had to tell us how his parents came to South Africa as children without their parents as indentured laborers by the British. He told his stories with such passion and depth. We were reminded constantly from an early age about how he went to school bare feet or how his mother will cook a meal for them with one chicken for 10 people to share or after school how he would sit underneath the trees watching his dad cut sugar cane while reading or doing his homework. He wanted us to work hard, get a good education, live a respectful life and learn to appreciate life and not take things for granted growing up.

I have fond memories of my dad as a little girl till the age of around ten ; memories that made me laugh and play with my dad. I remember as a five year old sitting on my dad’s lap and that was the happiest place for me. As I grew older I grew up very angry with my dad. I was angry that he was not available to me. I was angry that he did not have time for me, I was angry that he was angry, I was angry that he was so impatient. If my dad was not working he was at home reading and preparing his work or watching the news. I wanted him to be available to me but he was too busy and as s child I internalized that and formulated my own assumptions and belief systems about myself based on how my dad was not available to me the way I wanted him to be. In this time I did not look at all the good my dad was doing to take care of his family nor did I at the time understand that he was doing the best he could as my dad. We are indeed interesting species as human beings; we welcome fear into our lives with open arms ignoring the blessings that are right in front of us. I made peace with my dad years before he passed on and realized that he did the best he could given the circumstances. I never doubted his love for me I just wanted him to be more in my life.

In the last 12 years I have found that the peace that I made with my dad is not just acceptance but it is compassion, empathy, gratefulness, blessings and pure love. After going through loss myself I began to understand how my dad would have felt, he lost his dad when I was 10 years old and shortly after that his two brothers and his best friend who all meant the world to him and this definitely had an impact on him but he still stood tall as the family head with the extended Raju family, he always showed up for everyone else in our family, the adviser, the support structure, the go too person.

Older and wiser and still learning , I appreciate the similar characteristics that I have off my dad which I have learnt to embrace, his strong sense of fairness and justice , his impatience unfortunately , his charming personality , his love for engaging with people and being in social spaces , his love for dancing and also his inability to hold alcohol

As my dad passed on and I started to grieve, I had a deep sense of regret. A regret that our relationship never evolved into what it should have or could have been. I wished my childhood anger towards him never was part of the dynamic of our relationship. I felt mixed emotions of anger and sadness. A sadness that he will not be there to walk me down the aisle one day. 12 years on I still grieve his passing, forever grateful for his love and grateful for the life he gave me. I am proud to call him my dad.

I have learnt to work with my fears and assumptions that I carried with me for a long time and some of them I still work on when they surface and I remind myself that I am deserving of love and worthy of love and that my dad loved me and that he was perfect with all his imperfections. I shall continue to become a better version of myself.

“No man is an island; entire of itself, every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. ….any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls, it toll for thee” John Donne

Love and light

Snapshot 1

“I carry your heart in my heart”

18^th April 2016

It’s my mum’s birthday today and she would have been 67 today, I miss her deeply and found myself reflecting on how my life has unfolded in the last 12 years. Losing one’s nuclear family within 9 years shakes you in ways that you can never imagine. Parts of the last 12 years is a hazy to me however what I can remember is that this time has been filled with love and anger , light and darkness, tears of sadness and tears of happiness, growth and learning and pockets of accepting my grief consciously and unconsciously along the way .

As I honour my mum today and her life and her role in my life I take a look at my life and reflect on how I have become a better version of myself second by second, day by day and night by night .I strongly feel inspired by my mum to share my thoughts and lessons in the hope that me sharing myself will help others heal, reflect and pause in their present moment.

My mum had a silent power within her, a courageous soul who taught me how to love unconditionally, she was my first love and my best friend all wrapped into one. My mum’s endless passion of nurturing me and her selfless loving is imprinted in my soul. She has shown me that true power is built from an inner faith, an inner conviction that life will unfold as God meant it to be.

Her gift of unconditional love provides me with the confidence to take the many leaps of faith into the unknown. I thank her for her softly spoken words of wisdom, the gentle calm and comfort of her spirit. I thank her for encouraging me to dip into new waters and take risks, to make mistakes, to be adventurous and explore and be marveled at the wonder of life. I thank her for never doubting all that I am and all that I can be.

Best way to describe my mum’s love is from a verse from the bible , her love has shown me that “love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres”

These are my gifts to you on what I have learnt and continue to learn in my journey:

God

Never underestimate the power, love and support of GOD and your strong SPIRIT that lives within you.

My best friend GRIEF

Making GRIEF my friend was the best discovery I made in my journey, welcome her into your life and heart, honour her, accept her and allow her to be felt and embrace her cos when you do a whole new world opens up for you in terms of your healing and how you honour your life amidst your grief and sadness and pain. Grieving has a humorous way of showing up when you least expect it.  My journey has taught me that the sadness that comes with grief lives within you , doesn’t leave you , you learn how to nurture it , comfort it , accept it and in this process you learn how to live with it.  A while ago I articulated my relationship with grief in what I call my poemJ “ Grief has knocked on my door yet again, just when I feel that my head is above water and I can see and feel the sun shining and hear the birds singing , I get swept in again to an even deeper sea of grief………words, trying to understand ,acceptance, honouring your life has been my journey for the last 9 years ……how does one move from this space …….you breathe , you try and feel the love around you , you let people who love you support and help you , you feel and each day you may take a step forward and 20 steps back or 20 steps forward and 1 step back and in these moments you try your best to keep your head above water so that you breathe …you try to find something every day that helps you to keep your head above water , be it helping someone you love , thinking of what your loved ones would want you to do and honouring that , trying to do something for yourself that makes you smile amidst your pain …..you breathe…”.

 Vulnerability

Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is strength and when you slowly learn to chip away the walls that you think protect you and your heart, magic happens, there is type of respect and honouring you give yourself in this process. Ask for help when you need it, tell your loved ones how you feel , allow yourself to feel and allow yourself to be held by others in the process. Go the people that you feel safe with and just be you in that present moment. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in times of grief. Take that risk, that leap of faith into the unknown here and TRUST, trust that the ones that love you will hold you if you fall or break into pieces;

Healing

My journey of grief has helped me heal other parts of my life, aspects of myself. When you discover the patterns that prevent you from becoming a better version of you and break them a whole new world evolves. Learning to love yourself and appreciate yourself authentically inside out is one of the other greatest gifts you give yourself in this journey. Believing that you deserve love, happiness, joy and peace is freedom. Know that you are perfect with all your imperfections and that with this you are absolutely deserving of love and happiness that your heart and soul yearns for.

Presencing and Present Moment

Emotions do not have a time limit or you have to feel one before the next or you can only feel one at a time. I have learnt that I can be happy and sad at the same time. This for me is called presencing.

Learning to live in my present moment is where I have learnt to stay when the going gets too tough and scary and it is the surrendering to the moment I am in that gives me the ability to be able to move forward graciously most of the time.

 

 

I accept that we all experience Grief differently but  I hope that my words and thoughts and  me sharing parts  of my journey helps you want to be more and become a better version of yourself amidst your present moment.

 

Love and Light