Snapshot 1

“I carry your heart in my heart”

18^th April 2016

It’s my mum’s birthday today and she would have been 67 today, I miss her deeply and found myself reflecting on how my life has unfolded in the last 12 years. Losing one’s nuclear family within 9 years shakes you in ways that you can never imagine. Parts of the last 12 years is a hazy to me however what I can remember is that this time has been filled with love and anger , light and darkness, tears of sadness and tears of happiness, growth and learning and pockets of accepting my grief consciously and unconsciously along the way .

As I honour my mum today and her life and her role in my life I take a look at my life and reflect on how I have become a better version of myself second by second, day by day and night by night .I strongly feel inspired by my mum to share my thoughts and lessons in the hope that me sharing myself will help others heal, reflect and pause in their present moment.

My mum had a silent power within her, a courageous soul who taught me how to love unconditionally, she was my first love and my best friend all wrapped into one. My mum’s endless passion of nurturing me and her selfless loving is imprinted in my soul. She has shown me that true power is built from an inner faith, an inner conviction that life will unfold as God meant it to be.

Her gift of unconditional love provides me with the confidence to take the many leaps of faith into the unknown. I thank her for her softly spoken words of wisdom, the gentle calm and comfort of her spirit. I thank her for encouraging me to dip into new waters and take risks, to make mistakes, to be adventurous and explore and be marveled at the wonder of life. I thank her for never doubting all that I am and all that I can be.

Best way to describe my mum’s love is from a verse from the bible , her love has shown me that “love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres”

These are my gifts to you on what I have learnt and continue to learn in my journey:

God

Never underestimate the power, love and support of GOD and your strong SPIRIT that lives within you.

My best friend GRIEF

Making GRIEF my friend was the best discovery I made in my journey, welcome her into your life and heart, honour her, accept her and allow her to be felt and embrace her cos when you do a whole new world opens up for you in terms of your healing and how you honour your life amidst your grief and sadness and pain. Grieving has a humorous way of showing up when you least expect it.  My journey has taught me that the sadness that comes with grief lives within you , doesn’t leave you , you learn how to nurture it , comfort it , accept it and in this process you learn how to live with it.  A while ago I articulated my relationship with grief in what I call my poemJ “ Grief has knocked on my door yet again, just when I feel that my head is above water and I can see and feel the sun shining and hear the birds singing , I get swept in again to an even deeper sea of grief………words, trying to understand ,acceptance, honouring your life has been my journey for the last 9 years ……how does one move from this space …….you breathe , you try and feel the love around you , you let people who love you support and help you , you feel and each day you may take a step forward and 20 steps back or 20 steps forward and 1 step back and in these moments you try your best to keep your head above water so that you breathe …you try to find something every day that helps you to keep your head above water , be it helping someone you love , thinking of what your loved ones would want you to do and honouring that , trying to do something for yourself that makes you smile amidst your pain …..you breathe…”.

 Vulnerability

Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is strength and when you slowly learn to chip away the walls that you think protect you and your heart, magic happens, there is type of respect and honouring you give yourself in this process. Ask for help when you need it, tell your loved ones how you feel , allow yourself to feel and allow yourself to be held by others in the process. Go the people that you feel safe with and just be you in that present moment. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in times of grief. Take that risk, that leap of faith into the unknown here and TRUST, trust that the ones that love you will hold you if you fall or break into pieces;

Healing

My journey of grief has helped me heal other parts of my life, aspects of myself. When you discover the patterns that prevent you from becoming a better version of you and break them a whole new world evolves. Learning to love yourself and appreciate yourself authentically inside out is one of the other greatest gifts you give yourself in this journey. Believing that you deserve love, happiness, joy and peace is freedom. Know that you are perfect with all your imperfections and that with this you are absolutely deserving of love and happiness that your heart and soul yearns for.

Presencing and Present Moment

Emotions do not have a time limit or you have to feel one before the next or you can only feel one at a time. I have learnt that I can be happy and sad at the same time. This for me is called presencing.

Learning to live in my present moment is where I have learnt to stay when the going gets too tough and scary and it is the surrendering to the moment I am in that gives me the ability to be able to move forward graciously most of the time.

 

 

I accept that we all experience Grief differently but  I hope that my words and thoughts and  me sharing parts  of my journey helps you want to be more and become a better version of yourself amidst your present moment.

 

Love and Light